Even though the days are still hot and steamy, the end of summertime is starting to creep into sight. It’s time to stock up on backpacks, socks, and courage! Back-to-school is just around the corner, and this can be a tricky time for both seasoned and brand new to school children. The thought of separation anxiety can also be filled with trepidation for parents. Over the years as an early childhood educator, I have collected a few tried and true preschool separation tactics that can make back-to-school time less stressful for everyone.
- Start a dialogue about school before it’s time to go back. If you have any pictures from the school, of the teachers, or other children in the class, it’s great to start showing these to your children. Finding a sense of comfort is usually easier when a child has a very clear picture of where they are going, and who they are going to be with. As many tangible examples as possible will only benefit the upcoming transition.
- If possible, ask for a class roster and find out who will be in school with your child. Then you can arrange playdates. Knowing another child in the class makes the transition a lot easier.
- Have a great routine in place. Let your child know the order of events – we’re going to get out of the stroller, go in the classroom and greet your teacher, put your lunch away, take off your shoes, read a book together, and then Mommy is going to go to work. Also let your child know when they will see you again: after you take a nap, I will be here to pick you up.
- Reassure your child that it’s OK to feel sad and to miss Mommy and Daddy. Validate your child’s big emotions. Masking your child’s feelings or trying to brush them off will create a feeling of isolation and anger and could actually prolong the anxiety period.
- Put on a happy and confident face in the morning, even if you are feeling nervous or sad about your child’s reaction. Talk about school in a positive way and remind your child of all of the wonderful things they will do while you are away, and of all the great things you do together when school is finished for the day. Children really pick up on adult emotions, and even though it’s very hard sometimes, it’s really helpful to be calm and positive for your child.
- There are some really wonderful books to read with your children about school. Some of my favorites include: The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn; The Hello, Goodbye Window by Norton Juster; Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney; If You Take a Mouse to School by Laura Numeroff; and David Goes to School by David Shannon.
- If possible, experiment with who drops your child off in the morning. Separating may be a little easier when Daddy does the drop off or when your babysitter or nanny tries.
- Try not to linger. Once you tell your child that you are leaving, it’s best to go. “Rip the Band-Aid,” and set the boundary for your child. If crying and whining are delaying your departure, your child will keep trying to use these tactics to get you to stay.
- Be honest with your child’s teacher – if you want to be notified if the crying lasts beyond a certain time frame, they should be able to do that. Give the teacher a lot of ideas on how to interact with your child and help them self-soothe and settle into the day (favorite toys, songs, activities, etc.).
Each school handles the drop-off time a little differently, so make sure you are aware of the school’s policy before school starts. Some schools encourage a gentle separation process where parents and caregivers are encouraged to stay until the child shows signs of readiness, whereas other schools have the parents leave very quickly. Either way, the beginning of the year is a partnership between the parent, the child, the teachers, and the school community.
Separation anxiety is actually a sign of a very healthy attachment. It is natural for your child to want you above all others. It is a bond that has been nurtured since prior to their birth. Being away from you can feel scary and overwhelming, and having some tools in your belt to ease the separation and calm their fears is always a good thing.
Always keep an open mind and know that every child is an individual. How one child reacts is their own experience and can vary wildly from someone else’s (and from their siblings!). Some children walk right into the classroom like they have always been there and never look back, while others build up confidence over weeks before they feel settled and trust their new caregivers. Separation is a process! Be patient and calm, and your child will adjust at his or her own pace. By the second month of school, the hardest part of the day is getting the children to leave during pick-up time!
About the author:
Rachel McMinn is an early childhood educator at Buckle My Shoe Preschool in Tribeca, who has taught the young 2-year-olds for almost nine years. She holds a Masters in Early Childhood Education from Hunter College and a Writing degree from Pratt Institute. She lives in Brooklyn with her infant daughter, post-production & screenwriting husband, and two attention-seeking cats.
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